Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
