Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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