i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
