why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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