I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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