Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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