I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
