Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
