i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
