Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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