Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
