I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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