Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
