Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Found the puke drawer
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
