apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
