I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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