i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
