Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
