It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
