I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
