I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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