Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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