did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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