Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
