hotel room ftw
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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