I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
