She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
