How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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