Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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