if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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