My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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