I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
