a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
