we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
