Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
