Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
