i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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