I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
