You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i think i just lost a toe
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
