i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
