i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
