i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
