We won't sleep together?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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