I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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