Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize