You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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