Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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