you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
