She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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