I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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