please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
