ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
