someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize