Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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