just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
