I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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