mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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