Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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