Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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