I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
