i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
