If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
