My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
