I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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