i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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