I just saw a hot homeless man
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
