I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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